Mateen Cleaves Makes Your Yearly Salary in Two Weeks

All right guys, listen up. My name is Bee Rock, and I write about sports. And pro wrestling. And occasionally bad reality TV. But mostly sports. I'm going to be screaming about Jose Reyes and David Wright for the next 6 months, so we've got a lot to look forward to.

In the mean time, sort of as a "get to know your math teacher thing," I offer you something without bias, slant, or New York bent: The NBA's All-Squando Team. Made up of former first-round draft picks who have squandered (ahh, now you get it, right?) their potential and are nowhere near where they should be in terms of basketball development, the worst of the rest reside here. Some, like Harold Miner, could be dead for all we know. In fact, no one really knows what happened to Harold Miner. He just kind of disappeared (shrugs). Clearly though, he made the team. Who else made it? Read on, bored stoner, read on...

C – Shawn Bradley 7’6” 275 lbs

The average goon-bag sees the tale of Shawn Bradley’s tape and goes ape shit: “7’6” and almost 300 lbs? He’s got to be the most dominant big man in the history of the sport!!” Not so much. The beanpole that is Bradley was little more than a prop for most of his time in the league, merely a long, thin mass of skin that Clarence Weatherspoon would abuse in practice, and occasionally try to eat like a side of ribs. But hey, he was a top 5 pick, right? He’s probably sitting on more money than you and I will ever earn in a year. That’s fair, right.? Definitely.

PF – Glenn Robinson 6’7” 240 lbs

“The Big Dog” may have had the lamest nickname ever, but at least he signed the league’s first $100 million contract in league history. Here you have a guy that was good for 20 and 6 for the first eight or nine years of his NBA career, and I’m saying he’s squandered his potential? Yup. I am. I just feel like anybody named “The Big Dog” should have been some kind of big dog, not the first option on a bad team. Nobody remembers a single thing he did for the Milwaukee Bucks and their silly-ass purple uniforms. Not a single clutch basket, rebound, or blocked shot. Not one.

SF – Darius Miles 6’9” 222lbs

Not only is D-Miles a starting member of the squad, he’s the mother fucking mascot. Check it out: him and “Q” (isn’t that cute?) made a bunch of noise in LA, mainly from not playing defense and getting cherry picked alley-oop dunks. Obviously, he parlayed his 9 pts and 4 boards a game into a new found career in Cleveland, where he didn’t exactly mesh well with LeBron. On to Portland, basketball purgatory, where he continues to waste away to this day, every day looking like a man who skipped college to play a sport for a living. Darius Miles, I salute you, and all the marijuana you’ve smoked in your life. Whatever.

SG – Harold Miner 6’5”, 210 lbs

OK, you’re not going to believe this. Harold Miner won TWO dunk championships. Two. He won the thing twice. I don’t know how he did it, all I remember is the backwards, sling the ball between your split open legs and jam it home dunk, which got TNT all “Baby Jordan” on him in a nanosecond. But he did win two dunk titles, so he’s got something in common with Dominique Wilkens and Jason Richardson. But sadly, he never reached the potential we all saddled over him like a metal sweatshirt. Baby Jordan? Puh-lease. Like anybody could follow through on that. He’s probably working at a Dairy Queen somewhere in Alabama right now. Nobody expected you to fulfill those ridiculous expectations anyway. Asshole.

PG – Mateen Cleaves 6’2”, 210 lbs

This one’s easy. Here’s the stuff Cleaves did in college for a major program at Michigan State: two-time Big Ten player of the year, Big Ten’s all time leader in assists, three-time AP All-American, most outstanding player of 2000 NCAA Tournament, leading his Spartans to the ‘chip. (shouldn’t it be the ‘ship? We’re talking about a championship, right? So the abbreviation should be –ship, not chip. It’s not championchip. It’s championship, right?) Here’s what he’s done in the NBA: squadoosh. In fact, he’s made a career out of not doing anything. You’re telling me this guy can’t crack anyone’s top 9? Well, I blame you, Mateen. How do you not decide to work until they take a look at you? How do you decide to go more Travis Outlaw than Deron Williams? Mr. Cleaves, if you see Khalid El-Amin anywhere (I hear he’s reppin’ his Yeshiva in Israel), ask him how much he weighs. The over/under is 249 lbs. I’ve got the over, and he’s got your spot if you ever start playing.