Blow by blow, the first game of the 2007 MLB season:7:57 We like stolen bases, goat cheese pizza and Chevrolet? Not exactly, buddy. Cram the goat cheese up your asshole.
8:02 Me watching Mets Cards tonight is like seeing your ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend at the mall. You’ve been thinking about her, wondering what she looks like, and then bam! There she is, shuttling through Auntie Anne’s pretzel’s with some flipped-hair douchebag. Jon Miller’s voice is soothing enough to keep me from freaking out – “The Mets had a great season, but at the end…” Christ, this is going to be harder than I thought.
8:06 You want to celebrate Jackie Robinson day? Here’s a thought – change the name of the Cleveland Indians. Some people aren’t exactly thrilled about it.
8:10 Seriously, Jon Miller, everyone knows what happened last year. Let’s not beat a Barbaro over here, ok?
8:16 Bel-tran. Not Beltran, Bel-tran. Love it. At least until he couldn’t leg out a botched grounder to Adam Kennedy. Three up, three down. No score.
8:28 Preston Wilson, ex-Met, puts out Delgado, current Met. Still scoreless.
8:30 Moises Alou is going to be productive this year, judging by the fact that he hit the first pitch he saw tonight. Two on two out, and then Alou goes to third on a Shawn Green single. Chance to strike first here.
8:33 That ended quick, with a harmless grounder to Pujols.
8:34 Fine, I liked the XM commercial. I’m comfortable enough in my sexuality to admit that I like that techno, song, all right?
8:36 My first smile – hard hit grounder deep in the hole, and Reyes make a phenomenal play to get Rolen at first.
8:40 Wait, what’s a rally monkey?
8:43 My dad responding to hearing Braden Looper is now starting for the Cardinals this year: “Braden fucking Looper – he was a bum when he was a Met, and he’s a bum now.” Amen.
8:46 Howard Johnson is our third base coach? Awesome.
8:48 Delgado strokes one to left to score the first runs of the 2007 season, crushing a pitch on the outside part of the plate. Duke trots in ahead of Bel-tran – 2-0 Amazin’s.
8:50 As I’m watching the little kid squat and do drills, I think to myself – this must be an A-Rod commercial. Sure enough, he’s hawking some new Nike kicks.
8:53 FUCK MOTHER FUCKER ADAM FUCKING KENNEDY.
8:55 More fatherly wisdom: “Another problem with Tony LaRussa, is he’s become predictable. If they’re seeing that up in the booth, something’s wrong.” This after everyone in the stadium realized he was going to try a squeeze to score a run and Lo Duca easily made the out.
9:06 Reyes walks the bases loaded for Dukes. According to my pop, “well, this is what we’re looking for.”
9:06 I’m insisting that it’s Dukes anytime Paul Lo Duca is up to bet, and for some reason, my dad says it’s Paulie Lo. Paulie Lo? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Dukes, end of story.
9:09 Two runs score on Dukes come-backer. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Will Leitch.
9:11 Reyes scores on a Beltran single, and it’s now 5-0 Amazins. Not exactly making up for last October, but it’s helping.
9:15 Awkward question from Joe Morgan to Willie Randolph: “Tom Glavine’s your ace?” Willie thinks for a second, then replies, “yeah, he’s our ace.” Morgan responds, “what about Pedro?” Go fuck yourself, all right?
9:20 Steroids don’t make great athletes, they destroy them. (Cough, couch, bullshit).
9:21 Is LaRussa drunk right now? Gosh, he’s slurring his words.
9:22 Maybe that was unfair. But did you know he was wearing all his World Series jewelry when he was busted for DUI last week?
9:35 Yes, Jon Miller, Glavine IS dazzling them right now.9:36 No we're not the jetset, we're the old Chevrolet set. 2-1 odds my first car's a Chevy.
9:39 Don't take your eye off the ball, kid.
9:41 nice play from Mr. Kennedy at 2nd to squelch a possible rally. Still 5-0.
9:45 Moises Alou makes a spectacular play in left. Somewhere, Cliff Floyd is weeping.
9:46 Glavine's the fifth all-time winningest lefty pitcher? Wow.
9:48 I hate David Eckstein. Unreal play from Bel-tran to throw out Eckstein at the plate, though, and keep it a mangeable 5-1 game.
9:51 Uh oh, things are starting to unravel here. Glavine's done, probably.
9:53 Bases juiced full of red birds.
9:54 Glavine's a stud, Mets lead 5-1.
9:57 Dad loved the Lebron commercial. Is it LeBron, or Lebron? It should be LeBron, French for, "the Bron."
10:06 More genius analysis from Pop - "So Taguchi is the guy from Major League, right? You have no mahbles!"
10:09 What a beautiful double play - I could get used to this.
10:10 I can't help but miss Harold Reynolds. Call me crazy.
10:17 Do we really need the in-game interviews? You know Tommy can't wait to get at the post-game buffet, and now he's got to answer questions from Gammons. I'm anti in-game interviews.
10:21 Joe Smith in his MLB debut - not exactly stellar.
10:26 Bases juiced. Fuck. Rolen's the tying run.
10:31 Helluva double play to get out of trouble. Valentin was good last year, and it looks like he'll be OK this year, too. Fucking A.
10: 34 David Newhan singles in his first AB - is he Newman, like Jerry Seinfeld would say, or Noonan, like Chris Berman would say? These are the things I think about.
10:36 Newhan goes to third - I'm already high on this kid, except I don't like his number. 17 doesn't work for me.
10:37 Jose Reyes, you scamp. Good point from Joe Morgan here - stepping towards third and then throwing to first is obviously deceiving the runner - should have been a balk.
10:38 3 RBI's for Dukes. The building is silent. I'm smiling. 6-1 good guys.
10:46 "David Wright is getting better, Jose Reyes is getting better, Valentin is playing well, Delgado..." Joe Morgan calming my fears.
10:48 Fuck, 2nd and 3rd, 1 out. It's never easy, is it?
10:48 Let's go ahead and call this a dominating performance. Tommy gets the win, and the team played great. We'll leave you with a thought from Joe Morgan, "If they keep playing great defense, the pitching is never going to look bad." I'm into it. Let's go Mets.
